Dante's Inferno 2: The Search for Curly's Gold

"And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kepy my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire..."

-Milton Waddams in "Office Space"

I have the good fortune to be taking a course based solely on Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy, an incredible piece of literature which I've read before, but not have the good fortune to be walked through by Prof. Alessandro Vettori, a Dante scholar, distinguished professor of Italian, and "Cavaliere" of the Order of Merit of the Italian Republic (the equivalent of the well-popularized knighthood in the British Empire). Not only is he distinguished, but as it turns out, he's one of the most talented teachers I've ever met, and I count myself lucky to learn about literature that already holds such importance to me from such a capable man. Classes consist of discussing a few cantos and their heavily symbolic and allegorical meanings, a common idea in Medieval writings, in an open discussion and lecture give-and-take that keeps one both attentive and, more importantly, interested.

I have but one complaint... This guy:

"I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven."

That is Milton Waddams from "Office Space," which has attained such a strong cult following that it's ceased to be a cult following and become much more mainstream and popular. If Milton had a son, God help us all, it would be the guy in my Dante class. He doesn't particularly resemble Milton (presumable he got his mother's looks), complete with long, stringy brown hair in a ponytail and a scratchy, overgrown beard, though he does Milty's large body stature. He has, however, adopted Milton's mumbling, st-st, stuh, st-stuttering manner of speech, and oddball behavior. I won't divulge his name here, so let's call him "Little Milty" (obviously a misnomer).

Little Milty: The early years

This course of Dante is double-listed, meaning one can take it as a Medieval Literature course or as an Italian course (I'm taking it as both, as it counts for both my majors. Hot damn). I have no idea what Little Milty's reasoning for taking the course is, since he seems completely disinterested on discussing the actual text. No, Little Milty is only interested in the 2010 video game "Dante's Inferno" and the fan-fiction thereof.

Apparently, the game's creators missed the fact that Dante was a poet/politician, not a rugby player

"Dante's Inferno," named after the first section of Divina Commedia, Inferno, Dante's depiction of Hell, is a wonderful game, to be sure. I've played a bit of it, and the graphics and artistry that depict Hell are fantastic, and there are many aspects of the game that reflect the literature well. However, it'd be somewhat important to differentiate a freaking video game and one of the greatest works of poetry ever crafted.

Little Milty has missed this subtle detail. His hairy ham of a hand shoots up every three minutes or so and the professor, ever courteous and deferential to students' ideas, will normally call on him (although lately I've noticed just the slightest upturn of the side of his mouth, waiting for what drivel is next to fall from Little Milty's mouth). I've made a habit of paying attention to Little Milty's dribbling, just to make sure he doesn't break form, and it turns out he never has: Nothing he's ever said has referenced the bloody literature we're reading; it's all the damn game.

The game is a depiction, not the depiction, and certainly not Dante's description. I could go on forever, but the most important deviation in the game is the fact that Beatrice, beautiful and beloved and strong and lovely, bloody Beatrice is reduced to some hypersexualized bimbo damsel in distress who Dante is literally going through Hell to save. In the literature, Dante's jaunt through Hell (and eventually Purgatory and Heaven) is made in order to earn his redemption, and Beatrice is the holy, pure, already saved soul who guides him through a large part of Heaven and she saves him.

Pictured: Matt Lauritsen's depiction of a pure woman

Maybe I'm a bit hung up on this, but for the love of God (and Beatrice, for that matter), I'd much rather learn about the intricacies and subtleties of the epic poetry of Dante from a learned scholar who is eminently interesting and engaging than some loser quoting a podcast that was narrated, I swear this happened, by The Joker (who I don't remember seeing in Dante's poetry, although if he did appear, I imagine he'd be in the first ring of the 7th circle with the other murderers and tyrants, including but not limited to Alexander the Great, Guy de Montfort, Attila the Hun, and The Riddler). Yes, that The Joker. That's really what I need, fictional Batman villains' opinions on a video game being quotes as if they're at all relevant to Dante's poetry. Please, please stop. Or else I'm going to end up in the 7th circle, too.