Betty White owns you

Unless you've been living under a rock lately, you... Wait a second. I hate that expression. Honestly, if one lives under a rock that could very well have all the luxury and accouterments that we surface-dwellers enjoy (Patrick Star pulls it off just fine). 

Ahem.

Unless you've been living under a rock without cable lately (much better), you've noticed that the lovable Betty White has had a bit of a resurgence. The octogenarian actor is darling and lovable and perfectly plays the role of the cute, harmless little old lady.

Tea, dear?

I was watching the SAG awards last Sunday, (not a shot at Ms. White, but a pretty unfortunate acronym for the Screen Actors Guild in this case, don't you think?) and the nominees in the category of Best Female Actor in a Comedy Series were announced: Tina Fey for 30 Rock, Jane Lynch for Glee, Sofia Vergara for Modern Family, and Betty herself for Hot in Cleveland. Now, I don't watch much TV Land, and if I do, I certainly don't associate the channel with new sitcoms. I'll watch an episode of Gilligan's Islandor McHale's Navy anytime, but Hot in Cleveland doesn't exactly pique my interest.

However, my sister Lucy is caught up in the recent overflow of love for White and watches the show all the time. From what I could tell, Betty White is as funny as she ever was, her always-quick wit and decades-practiced comedic timing are perfect and charming as always. This is no small feat considering Hot in Cleveland is a stupid, stupid show with lamentably corny and predictable writing aimed solely at people who think Valerie Bertinelli has any talent besides managing to breathe properly and worship the daytime television prowess and subtle nuanced style of Rachael Ray.

"CORN! YOU GUYS, CORN!"

I think Betty White is as cute as the next person, but as even she humbly pointed out during her acceptance speech, I didn't think she had a chance of winning the award up against such fantastic comedians as Fey, Lynch, and Vergara (on far, far better shows). Her win created a wonderful TV moment, and I applaud SAG for honoring the 89 year-old's work (even if they had to stiff worthier candidates to do it), but my natural reaction on the couch to hearing White's name read was to profess my incredulity.

You would think that I had just shouted some racial slur from the reaction of the other people in my living room. My sister and friend both scolded me, as if I had cursed in front of a child, for saying anything negative about White. Don't get me wrong, anyone who goes on Craig Ferguson's late show and pretends to have a suitcase which conveniently pops open to reveal copious amounts of cocaine is alright in my book. She seems to be a wonderful woman and an excellent wit, but that makes her some untouchable figure?

The demented smile of a crazed alcoholic

I realize I might not be making many friends here. One can only imagine the thought process I went through (little to none) to decide that my first blog post would be at all anti-Betty White. This is important, though. I'm beginning to think there's something more here. White's revival has seemingly come out of nowhere; she caught fire immediately and her star is burning brighter than Betelgeuse ever has (both the celestial body and the movie that gave me nightmares of Michael Keaton in heavy makeup for years). At this point, she could walk up to President Obama, kick him in the shins, turn around and make a cute offhand joke inferring that an 89 year-old woman still has a thriving sex drive, and not only get away with it, but having us all chuckling and nodding and praising her for looking so damn cute while the president hops around on one leg. Methinks some serious foul play is afoot. Betty White is on a mission: to take over the world.

DOWAGER: pictured here feasting on the flesh of the masses

"Demonic Overlord White: Age - Golden, Extra Ripe," or DOWAGER, as she will demand to be adressed, is lulling us all into a false sense of security as the adorable, helpless little old lady. We fawn over her every film cameo. We laud her television appearances. We praise her peerless work ethic during her old age. And all the while she grows stronger, fed by our sworn allegiance to her character, biding her time. Once we are all entranced and her increasing strength has led successfully to her immortality, she will resurrect the cast of The Golden Girls, and, together with Abe Vigoda, her co-star in this memorable Snickers commercial, they will take over the world. "Metamucil and Medicare!" we will shout, raiding pharmacies bound helplessly to the whims of White Power.

Sure. Call me crazy. Take the easy way out. I'm ready for the coming onslaught. The way I see it though, she can't be stopped. What have we wrought?

"Game over, bitch."